RainWashed
by Princess Nairina
Summary: The rain was pure and clean; Riku wished it would wash away the darkness and guilt stained on his heart. But he especially wished it would wash away his memories.... *one-shot*


Rain-Washed

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or the lyrics to Utada Hikaru's Simple and Clean.**

**Author's Note: Okay, okay, I know I should be posting the next chapter to Who Is My Mother? but I did work on it, I promise! This little oneshot came to me, however, after I had finished working on WIMM, and I have been dying to write a Kingdom Hearts fic for a while. The pairing is sort of onesided Riku/Kairi, but that's only because this is in Riku's point of view (aka, I am a Riku/Kairi fan). The setting is sometime after Kingdom Hearts but before Kingdom Hearts 2....I'm not sure if it even really fits in exactly there, but that is the general idea. Also, I wanted to mention this is not a song-fic (nods at disclaimer). =)**

_Drip. Drip. Drip. Plip. Plop._

The rain was falling lightly, splattering the earth and flora with much needed moisture. The rainfall here was pure, constantly washing and whisking away all traces of dirt, blood, and battles. It never failed after a battle with the heartless that the rain would fall, as if trying to erase the memories and stench of darkness from the landscape. It was on nights like these that Riku wished the rain would wash his heart clean, take away the slight stain of darkness and guilt and feelings of worry, despair, and grief. But mostly, he wished to wipe his memories clean.

_I don't deserve them, _he always thought, and tonight was no exception._ I don't deserve to even think about the islands, about Selphie and the gang, about Sora…_

It was here his thoughts would always pause. _And I definitely don't deserve to think about __**her.**_ He didn't deserve to think about them, yet he did it anyway. It kept him sane and in touch with the world; at least, that's what he told himself when the guilt became too heavy to bear.

He would whisper her name aloud, "Kairi."

"You don't deserve a lousy jerk of a guy like me for a friend, Kairi." Often he would speak aloud without realizing it, and without fail he would mentally kick himself for doing so; he might give away his position to the heartless, and he would rather not fight at night, when darkness was harder to overcome.

_Kairi…you deserve so much better. I was stupid, no worse, I was an idiot to think that I could ever have a chance with you. I've always been too solemn, too caught up in my thoughts; I would taint you. Even back then, I was shrouded in dark._

He often talked to her like this, even though he knew she couldn't hear him, read his thoughts. In a way, he was punishing himself.

_You're too pure; you're a Princess of Heart for crying out loud. And Sora, he's wrapped in light. Like…you were made for each other. I wish…I wish I could be like him. Then, I might've had a chance. But light and darkness…they can't exist together._

The rain has stopped and the moon is shining brightly out from behind the clouds. Riku is always able to see it from this particular cave. The moonlight both soothes and scorches his heart; nowadays, all light reminds him of his past, all that he threw away, and all that he has become.

_I had tried to save you Kairi. I turned to the dark to help you, but it wasn't enough. I should have known your heart would be hidden with his. His light called to yours. I wonder…if I've always had too much darkness inside, and that's why your heart could've never rested with mine…_

Normally, Riku's thoughts would spiral downward and downward, until he was sick with guilt and shame. Tonight, however, a shooting star with a tail the color of a sapphire streaks across the sky, and it reminds him of _her_, and of what she would say.

He starts to cry, tears streaking down his face, and he doesn't care about the heartless finding him or about the fact that he should be strong and there was no need to cry.

_Kairi…I'm going to change. Even if I'm never worthy of you, I'll find the light. I'll find the way. I'll do it for you, because, even though I turned my back on everyone else…I never turned on you. I'll make it back to you someday…maybe even Sora will be able to forgive me, if only you could first…_

And for once, Riku is sleeping _peacefully_. There are no dreams, no nightmares, only resolve, and hope. Sometimes…all it takes is a little bit of rain, to wash away the memories…

_Simple and clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight…its hard to let it go._

* * *

**Author's Note: Mildly depressing, no? I'm not sure exactly how well it flows, so please, tell me what you think. As I said, this is a one shot, so I didn't really dwell too much on what I typed on the screen, just more the general feeling of the whole story. Thank you all for taking the chance to read my fic. Ciao!**


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